Women find it Difficult to Leave Abusive Relationships

Source: https://locallove.ca/issues/why-dont-women-leave-abusive-relationships/#.YF4UO68zZPY

We might know at least one woman in our lives who has suffered from a hurting relationship from a husband, a father, or a lover. To hurt, and to be hurt feels almost as intricate a part of a relationship as love. It almost seems like no relationship, domestic or outside, is fulfilled unless there is the slightest form of abuse. We would consider as strong feminist women with steady minds to leave a relationship that houses the slightest form of abuse, but practically, it is not easy to leave a father, to leave a husband, or to leave a lover in because of a single instance of hurt. And when it isn't easy, a single instance turns into multiple instances and thus starts the cycle of an abusive relationship. There have been several kinds of research till date which have studied the various nuances of a love-and-abuse relationship and why it becomes practically impossible for women to leave such relationships. In this chapter, we'll explore some of the reasons for this cause and conclude with fundamental steps to gradually strengthen as a victim, or help somebody who is a victim, to move out of an abusive relationship and revive. 

Domestic violence against women in their safest spaces like home, family and intimate relationships are one of the gravest issues hidden in plain sight. Researchers have claimed that every woman faces gender discrimination and abuse in some form at least once in their lifetime. Even after this, many people refuse to believe that domestic violence exists, or dismiss complaints of women who come forward with it. The common tendency of dismissal among general people is one of the main reasons why domestic violence isn’t discussed openly. This leads to the continuation of such grievous crimes against women inside the household and even outside of it. Perpetrators get away with these crimes and society itself allows them to do so. As a result, the victims of such abuse usually fail to move on or get out of such situations. 

Source: Google Images

To understand the condition of women affected by domestic violence, it is first important to understand what it actually is and its nature. Domestic violence is any type of violence, ranging from psychological, sexual to physical, that occurs in a familiar situation, usually conducted by a member of the family with whom the victim shares blood relation, or by intimate partners in very close relationships. Most women do not even understand what exactly counts as domestic violence. When asked why they do not leave such abusive situations, most victims claim that abuse by their partners or husbands is considered as an act of love or care. It is supremely problematic to gaslight the women of our society into thinking that any form of abuse by their loved ones is a gesture of love. Effects of such violence can be- a. psychological effects, involving severe trauma and diagnosed mental health disorders in women, b. sexual effects, involving reproductive health deterioration, miscarriages during pregnancy, ailments, and c. physical effects, involving injuries, addictions, mutilation, or even death, intentionally caused by the perpetrator. 

Source: Google Images

It is often seen how societies have this ingrained concept that heterosexual marriages are the only legitimate site for any kind of intimate relationship. As a result, female victims in relationships without marriage are usually unattended or looked down upon by society. Slut-shaming has been culturalised and normalized to such an extent that victims find it easier to remain silent about their tortures in fear of social ostracization and judgment from family and society. This belief in heteronormativity also sabotages the institution of marriage, since hegemony and abuse in such spaces continue to exist as something “normal”. It is not necessary that the perpetrators are violent outside the domestic household too, which is why it becomes a reason for society to question the victims’ words. Abusers use their marriage, a legitimized space of trust and accountability, as a forum to unveil their repressed and real sides. These come out in the forms of psychological, sexual, and physical exploitations. Wife battering, unhealthy arguments, continuous threats, creation of an obnoxious and fearful domestic environment for women are very common occurrences in most households. Yet these are hushed topics of discussions and often dismissed even if present in plain sight, in the neighbourhood, or within the family. 

One of the major reasons why women fail to leave abusive relationships, especially marriages, is because of economic dependence. In a research paper by DR. S Prescila Sharon called Domestic Violence Against Women In India: A Family Menace, it is mentioned that “Violence against women in India is an issue rooted in societal norms and economic dependence.” This line is strikingly correct since most women are dependent on some man since childhood- father, husband, or son. Many women bear with violence in their married household only because they do not have other resources or means of economical support. It is a very bitter reality and one of the most frequently stated reasons by victims of domestic abuse. 

Source: Google Images

Another major reason that prevents abused women to leave marriages is children and the associated societal impositions of gender norms as a mother. Women leaving marriages that involve children are often seen as failing mothers and wives. The burden of maintaining good social standards in society is extremely heavy for most Indian women, married or unmarried. Dr. Sharon writes “victims are made to feel guilty for ‘provoking’ the abuse and are frequently subjected to intense criticism.’ These result in severe psychological damage to not only the abused women but also their children. Young children who grown up in an unhealthy domestic environment grow up to have acute mental health disorders. Lack of social participation and low-performance rates are some consequences that such victims face with time. Unlike physical abuse, psychological or sexual abuse generally leave no evident proof, and hence vicious crimes such as marital rapes, emotional damage, misogyny, and disrespect for women continue, and domestic spheres and people hardly talk about these. Even the most well-to-do families have abusive environments in many cases. Victims in such cases usually continue staying in relationships to save their reputation and maintain social capital. 

Considering all of these major practical reasons why women find it difficult to get out of an abusive relationship, I believe we should also consider the emotional or psychological reasons why they fail to come out of it. The fact that there isn’t a guaranteed safe space that women can reside or trust even if they leave their harmful relationship is a startling issue. Delayed justice system only emboldens and increases the rate of crime and hardly helps a victim when they need it. After all, leaving an abusive relationship doesn’t ensure the end of abuse against them. There are several cases where women are harassed, cyberbullied, and violated even by former partners. Many times, even families turn their backs on abused women due to societal pressures. In many cases, abuse is considered to be a part and parcel of love and matured relationships. It takes a lot of time for abused women, maybe years after years, to actually realize and recognize the violence that is perpetrated against them. It processes as a shock in the first few years when it is unbelievable for them to accept that their lover can hurt them, and then as time passes by, these women only get used to the abuse. By the time they realize it completely, they already get so burdened by the previously mentioned societal norms, they change their mind. It actually feels way easier for victims to remain in an abusive relationship than fight their way out of it, untangling every emotional and practical string tied between them and their partner. The trauma of the entire process of abuse throughout the relationship and the question “what happens after?” is reason enough why abused women decide not to choose any other course of life than to just bear with it. Their self-esteem and self-worth get so low that they hardly believe that anybody would believe or help them. This is true since we often find cases where people, even policemen, dismiss complaints of abused women because according to them they are “attention seekers”. Labels like these are daunting to us women and abused or not, we generally tend to avoid getting into situations where we might get called “whores’, “sluts”, “attention seekers”. 

Source: Google Images

We can guess how hard it is already for women who have lived through abusive relationships. The last thing that they would want to receive is hatred from society or friends and family they believe in. I would like to conclude by saying that the belief by many women that it might get too late by the time they get ready to leave their abusive relationship is completely false. There is never a time that is “too late” to leave an uncomfortable space. There are several women organizations and clubs that offer psychological, economical, medical, and other kinds of help to women who are victims of abuse. It is high time we break the taboo of violence and start talking about violence against women in open spaces. Until and unless we, as a community, help our women to raise their voices, abuse will continue and women will stay in such relationships. It is in fact a universal truth that no society is a good society without its women being treated equally and kept happy. As sensitive and aware members of a community, all we can do is to listen to a woman who seeks help, to help them through emotional support, and to encourage them to slowly find their strength and get out of abusive relationships. It is the 21st century, and most of our girls already take cautious steps right from the beginning of their relationships. It is good progress to cut off an abusive or toxic partner right at the start when they start showing red flags. Cutting off right from the root stops any further growth of a relationship that might later turn abusive. More and more women are speaking out against domestic violence on an everyday basis, but this is nothing but a start. Substantial systemic changes require time, and currently, all we can do is be more aware and build up supportive communal sisterhoods.